19/3/2004 -- Of piano songs and Wodehouse-speak

I said goodbye to my student of 4 years this week.

I've been with this boy since 2000,

when he was a small, quiet but fiercely stubborn primary 2 boy,

to a still rather small/quiet and even more stubborn pri 6 boy this year.

I quite like this kid, i've got to admit.

Although i think he's never truly loved the piano,

and he's always claimed that he's playing for his mum's sake.

But he has such moments when he revels in his stubborness that's quite funny..

To illustrate the point, here's what usually happens during a lesson-

I always play thru a new piece for him b4 teaching him the notes,

and then i'll always ask him immediately afterwards:

"Nice or not...nice right? So you want to learn it, right?"

(Because he's the sort of chap who won't practice if he doesn't like the piece,

so i'll always have to coax n coax.)

But then, he'll invariably shake his head and say that the piece is awful and all.

I mean, it's funny, the manner he so determinedly makes it a point to say that the piece is bad!

But on hindsight,

if he puts down something so mercilessly each time,

he prob doesn't mean it all that much, right?

***

disc 2 on the 'piano songs' album is nicer than disc 1!

i suspect d2 are the older songs...

it's amazing how songs have become less melodious,

and more 'to live for the moment' and 'feel good for an instant'

if a song doesn't stir me when i'm listening to it,

or if it doesn't linger in my mind after that,

then it's fit for the trash can!

I'm adamant..hehe!!

***

I almost burst out laughing when i read the following Wodehouse-speak on the bus just now-

"Her face looked like a tomato struggling for self-expression"

***

I'll be getting the outcome of my auditions soon...really nervous abt it 

26/2/2004 -- bu zhai hu tian chang di jiu, zi zhai hu chen jing yong you

Translated into english,

the above means: it's in the remembrance of having once had something, rather than having something for eternity, that counts

hmmm..sounds rather convoluted

i think the phrase was made famous in this old watch ad (sovil titus?)

where this fighter pilot guy was abt to go off to war

and his lover was saying goodbye to him for the last time

i remember once chatting to a friend who was going thru some emotional problems,

and he was saying that in his deepest distress,

the memories of childhood all came back to him,

and he could remember so vividly how he used to wait for his school bus at the foot of his block everyday.

i think i was very touched when i heard that,

because how many people actually think about the times when they were children?

and it's all the more significant that such memories came back to him during moments of sadness,

because it shows a longing and fond remembrance of the idyllic and innocent days of childhood,

days when everyone seemed to be nice and warm to you.

don't get me wrong,

i'm not suggesting that we should all mope 

and cry about how we've lost those carefree and happy days,

but, returning to the chinese quote above,

it's wiser to just remember those things as something beautiful you once had.

nothing will ever change the fact that once upon a time, 

this friend of mine looked forward to each morning,

where he will be sitting at the foot of his block waiting for his school bus,

thinking of the games to play with his friends later on the bus,

and his mum reading a nice story to him while waiting.

this might not happen any more now,

friends you used to play with have their own lives now,

your mum might be too tired and busy to read nice stories to you too. 

but those beautiful 'once upon a time's are there for you to cherish til eternity. 

5/2/2004 -- ;(

"she not only attracts the shallow males with that alluring smile"

I am one of those 'shallow males'

Sometimes, when your first brush with another person didn't go right,

you'll just go all tense and nervy whenever you think of her afterwards

and you'll suspect that she finds you rude and offensive,

especially when you WERE, to some extent.

But you really don't know what she thinks, or whether she even thinks at all.

And there isn't a way to find out.

26/1/2004 -- CNY Stomachache

I've been down with a stomachache during the cny holidays,

and it's not bcos of eating too much.

Okay, it went like this...

i was watching tv last friday night

and on came this stupid kfc ad

with the really succulent looking chicken (in the special cny basket some more)

and i just had this sudden craving for junk food.

I eat fast food really seldomly,

and whenever i do,

it's always like sneaking in some forbidden fruit.

But anyway, since there wasn't a kfc near my place,

i ended up buying chicken nuggets, fish fillet (1.80 only!) and a sundae

from the nearby macs.

Yeah, it wasn't terribly yummy too,

my mum complained that the choc fudge from the sundae's too sweet.

Made me feel all the more guilty,

and it left me with a stomachache too :(

Well, talking about the reunion dinner on wednesday night,

it was the usual quiet affair,

dad, mum, me and my bro.

Sometimes, i really envy friends who have their uncles, aunties and cousins to visit.

For me, my dad's folks are all in malaysia and my mum's in taiwan,

so it's just the four of us.

So maybe my bro and i will have lots of children next time,

so they will be more amused than how we are now

:)

1/1/2004 -- New Year's Day message

I've lots to say today, and i've thought of dividing this entry into sections for a change,

aiyah, new year must have new pattern of doing things mah, so here goes...

Intro

I've got to remind myself to be careful about what i say here.

i realize that there are people lurking around,

trying to find out if i spill their sordid secrets...hehe

Anyway, since some misunderstanding has occured,

i'll provide here, the instruction manual for reading this page,

please go through it before scrolling any further.

Instruction manual for jack's 'soliloquy' page

1. According to dictionary.com, a soliloquy is a (1)dramatic or literary form of discourse in which a character (2)talks to himself or reveals his thoughts (3)without addressing a listener.

(1) dramatic - the things written here are exaggerated, jack is honing his farce-writing skills...so don't take what he says too seriously

(2) and (3)  talks to himself/without addressing a listener - jack is talking to HIMSELF, so back off, all voyeurs and eavesdroppers are not welcome!

2. Jack talks about real things here, he's not writing fiction, but neither is he doing an inventory of his life, so he tries to be as 'tell-tale'-like as possible without offending anybody.

3. Jack tries not to slime anyone mercilessly (except for the gone-cases mentioned in the entry dated 19/2/2003). For every bad thing written about anyone, he tries to include some good things too.

4. Don't take jack too seriously. He is an extreme person, half the time he is solemn and  sane, but when he's writing the rot on this page, he's just trying to act the clown.

Infernal affairs 3

My report on the final instalment of this trilogy is long overdue.

Watched all 3 with the same bunch of frens.

While number 1 is so good (everyone sighed when the anthony wong character flew from the rooftop and smashed into a car),

number 2 is a completely ridiculous gangster movies

with plenty of deafening gun shots and corpses piling up (not helped by the fact that we're always seated at the first row),

number 3 is the more interesting one.

first of all,

i have to comment on leon lai's wonderfully subtle performances.

i really take my hats off to this guy.

he is totally like the character he plays in the show-

with no personality at all.

we never know anything about his background, his identity,

we think initially that he is a baddie,

then we start looking out for perhaps an occasional gleam in the eye,

or a secretve smirk,

you know, the betraying marks.

But we never get anything close.

He has this wonderful ability to make his character totally identity-'less' to the audience,

when we finally realize that he is this good cop at the end of the show,

he just stands there and let andy lau put a bullet thru his head.

We didn't feel for him at all!

To mention something embarrassing, i was actually a fan of his singing back in primary sch,

remember the many cassette tapes by him i bought.

now thinking about it,

his singing is just like his acting-

completely devoid of personality and identity!!

New year resolutions

1. To spend more quality time with God, my family and friends

2. To play more music

3. To do more drama

4. To borrow Cds from the esplanade library more frequently,

5. So I can stop myself from always buying things whenever step into a cd store

16/12/2003 -- When she loved me

I've just discovered that the nice sentimental song i mentioned here a while ago

is 'when she loved me' by sarah mclachlan.

I was walking aimlessly in causeway point on sunday afternoon

when out of the blue

i turned into the cd rama in popular bookstore

and there i found it,

inside this disney songs compilations.

Yah, it's very nice,

like i'd told you,

this unpretentious simplicity about disney songs :)

14/12/2003 -- About yesterday

What a night it was yesterday!

I went to the read all nervous,

especially when i saw the huge crowd that turned up.

It was prob the best attended of the three nights.

Thank goodness the weather was fine,

and there was only a 15 mins delay.

My play was the first to be read,

and when tan tarn how was doing his intro,

and lim kay tong was seated at the side of the stage waiting to come on,

i was really nervous but terribly excited as well.

But what a relief it was when i finally heard the piece!

It was really such a stroke of luck, or perhaps it's insight,

well, whatever you wanna call it,

that we hit on upping the ironic tone of the piece,

during our final rehersal,

and kay tong did it so so well.

Hats off to him,

i've got nothing but praise and admiration for him,

the way he delivered my piece.

The tempo, diction, tone, facial expressions, pauses were all perfect.

And the audience turned out to to be responsive too,

they could get most of what i wanted to say.

And it was a really huge encouragement.

Yeah, i forgot to mention norlina, the wonderful diector,

who had such sharp insight about the piece.

She could see things in the writing that i never thought existed.

There's this bit in my play where a certain mr lee

who bought a steinway merely for decoration,

and when norlina told me who this 'mr lee' is supposed to stand for, 

i couldn't stop laughing,

cos i never intended it (really!),

but it's so correct, all the same!    

At the end of it all,

I got presents for all of them,

and guess what i bought?

...Esplanade merchandise!

Haha, to redeem myself for bitching about that beloved cultural icon so much! 

06/12/2003 -- Tallking to children

Through all these years (from 2000 to now) of teaching piano,

I've improved a lot.

Not musically speaking, though.

But in terms of talking with children.

Yah, like coughing up blood nagging at them to practice.

And containing my rage and holding myself back from strangling them

when they come up with the usual excuses for not practising.

'My mum didn't remind me'...

'I forgot you were here last week'...

'I didn't read the record book'...

I've heard these so many times.

It's amazing how these kids learn the piano for their mums' sakes.

But there's the slightly nicer bit of trying to get them interested,

by talking in terms of non-music analogies.

This afternoon, i was at my wit's end trying to make this boy read from the score.

Then I told him the score is like a street directory to a new driver,

and if he is driving from choa chu kang (that's where he stays)

to his granny's place (in clementi) for the first time,

he must consult the directory.

He laughed, but i wonder whether he got my point.

I'll probably know next wk when i see if he's practised.

Yah, that's why I said i've gained much experience talking to children.

Have always got to devise ingenious strategems to get them interested.

I've tried so many ways..

like starting a 'sticker system' where the no. of stickers they get each wk

would reflect on their effort for the week.

And you have to promise them that you'll get them something

when they've accumulated a certain no. of stickers!

These bunch nowadays,

they've no love for music at all.

Especially the boys,

who would rather be at the computer

or on the soccer field.

(But it makes me so proud to recall how diligently I used to practice back then :)

Yah, would like to talk a bit about my rehearsal with lim kay tong on wednesday.

He had a really intense gaze and it was a bit scary at first talking to him.

And what a thrill it was to sit beside him and hear him read my writing!

And I was glad he identified with the scenario in my play.

As I have told you, some of them said at a previous discussion that

it was totally pointless to write about esplanade issues cos it's already 1 year old and thus dated.

But i'm glad lim kay tong thought that issues such as 'the relevance of the arts to our pragmatic society' and 'the role of the esplanade' are still pertinent and alive.

Well, he was quite friendly in a fatherly sort of way too,

and i was glad he gave me some pointers on how to do a third draft!!

Yeah....so i'm writing a third draft now.

Wah lau, have so much to do these days.

But strangely i'm not feeling stressed at all.

I used to be very inflexible and stubborn.

I would always want everything to go according to plan

and I'd lose my temper and get totally disoriented if some last minute changes creep in.

But these few days, I've tried to change my style,

and as a result i've accepted many things that were thrown to me last minute.

You see, like on thurs evening,

i agreed to play the music for a wake service,

then on friday its piano lesson,

then today i took the SAT test (I'd lost the score for my first test!!),

tmrw i'm playing something at my piano teacher's class hour.

All these needs a lot of practice okay!

But i'm feeling strangely energized.

Perhaps i need to be a workholic.

One good thing is it makes me forget about things...

Sad things, thinks that are of no use pondering over.

Maybe it makes me a happier person too. 

28/11/2003 -- I have an issue with the Esplanade!

Yeah, that's right,

I have a big problem with the Esplanade.

Don't get me wrong,

It's not as if i hate that place,

In fact, it's one of my biggest hang-out places...

I visit the library two three times a week,

and I always go to the haagen daaz there for my fav milkshake.

So what's the problem?

Well, ever since i've started dabbling in playwriting,

i couldn't resist the temptation of crapping about this

600 million dollar national investment that (i think) can't make up its mind

if it's a tourist attraction or a relevant development in our local arts scene.

Besides, i've heard many ridiculous and oversimplified things about the place,

like how it's the steinway that's supposed to improve our local arts,

even if they are not so good in the first place.

Yah, so that explains my little bitchings about the whole idea of the esplanade's relevance in my plays.

Well, i'm just poking fun in a harmless way, actually :)

The newest play i've written is called 'Ah Kong at the Esplanade' 

and it's about this man-on-the-street Ah Kong going down to the esplanade

and observing all the snooty arts afficionados trying to feel important.

It's the first time i've written a monologue,

and when it was read behind closed doors a few wks back,

some of them commented that it wasn't dramatic enough,

and there was one guy who said that esplanade issues aren't relevant already.

Well, i don't agree with that,

but i've been doing revisions to the play,

and if everything goes well,

it'll be read on dec 11.

But the most exciting thing has to be that LIM KAY TONG is reading my play!

It made me so stressed and i had to read the draft so many times,

to make sure nothing is wrong.

Yah, extra healthy pressure to make me work doubly hard,

and I'm going for the rehearsal next wednesday!

Yikes...super stressed,

I wonder what he'll say about the play?

Really looking forward to it :)

Tell you more abt it next time...

23/11/2003 -- This one is better

I've been looking through my nasty entry for yesterday

and i'm hating myself for writing that.

Bleargh...why be so negative about things?

I've been giving it much though

and I've decided that i want to make the most out of my life,

doing the best i can for whatever i'm doing at each moment,

and quit ranting and raving about unhappy things.

Well, this is a start, at least i have a pleasant entry,

on a pleasant sunday afternoon.

22/11/2003 -- ......

Sometimes, before I do something, or say something,

I tend to think too much.

Worrying what others will think of me,

Anxious if i am doing it right.

So in the process,

I've lost a lot of opportunities,

missed a lot of chances.

I really hope to change this part of me,

to be less self-conscious,

and more willing to take a risk.

I wonder when I'll be able to do that.

Sometimes, I feel so lousy and miserable,

thinking about the things I've missed because of this.

How many people i could've known,

if I had hid in my shell less...

I am always looking for people around me for assurance,

i don't know if u can say i'm not assertive enough,

but a part of me always tells me to look around myself,

at the people around me,

and see if they are alright with what i'm going to do.

But people aren't going to notice you all the time,

they're prob not thinking of you at all.

So why do i have to be so...so unfair to myself,

by living my life for others?

ARGHHH!!! This sounds so garbled,

i don't know what made me write all these trash today,

have i been feeling happy, contented with my life all these years?

I miss my childhood days so much.... 

when the world was so so so beautiful and i didn't have to worry about anything,

and everyone loved me